‘No one wants to be the odd one’: Growing up as a teenage boy today
Today’s post is written by Aiden and Zach with Sharon Bessell and Cadhla O’Sullivan from the Children’s Policy Centre, at the Australian National University. A part of the Children’s Policy Centre’s work is to contribute to strong and supportive communities for children and young people. Aiden and Zach are both aged 13 and have contributed their expertise to thinking about what communities can do to support children and young people.
Their important messages include that we can never know for sure what’s going on in a person’s life until we make the effort to understand them and their circumstances, and also how much children can value having adults in a variety of roles to talk to - both at school and beyond.
Introduction: Pressure
Life as a teenage boy can be draining. There is a lot of pressure in and outside of school: the need to fit in, while trying to learn and think about your future; social media and comparing yourself to others; thinking about how other people see you and whether it is safe to be yourself. These pressures can bundle up and can make life difficult.
Being seen, fitting in and becoming someone else
Kids need to be who they are, not who peer pressure and social media makes them want to be. But being yourself can be hard; imagine there’s a long line of cool kids and you’re the off one, no one wants to be different. You want to show yourself and just be who you are, but sometimes that means you get bullied. There is bullying about them (often behind their backs), bullying to them (to their faces) and cyberbullying – it can be draining for kids.
A lot of people want to impress others, to be known, and to be popular. A lot of people just want to be seen, because if you're being seen, people look up to you and you feel good about yourself.
At high school, there are people who are popular and cool. When kids start high school, they can feel like they have to change their whole self to be like others, to fit in. A lot of the time, that means they do bad things and create bad habits for themselves. They start doing things that lead them down a bad path – like smoking and drinking – not because they want to but because they want to fit in. That puts a hole in these kids because they are trying to be someone they are not just to fit in. It wrecks them. Sometimes, they grow out of it, but sometimes the habits stay with them and change who they are.
The devices and technology make everything bigger
Devices, social media and addiction to technology can add to the pressures of being a teenager. There are a lot of bad parts to social media. A lot of people start comparing themselves to others, and they will start making judgements about themselves, even if social media isn’t always real. It can get your mental health down and it can wreck you.
There can also be a lot of good reasons to use social media. It can give you advice and help; if you want to learn something, social media can be useful. Some people express their feelings on social media, and then people can know what's wrong with them and they might get checked up on. But sometimes kids can get bullied instead. Kids need to think before using social media. It is a big gamble.
More is going on than adults can see
You never know a kid until you truly do. Some kids have more challenges than people know. Sometimes it's how you grow up, it's where you live, where you come from, what your environment is like. Sometimes kids can worry about what's going on at home. Sometimes, things at home make it hard for kids to concentrate, to study, or to get time for themselves. It’s not really fair for some people.
Some kids don’t have the resources to be able to do the things others can. A lot of families can struggle to afford uniforms and books. These costs can put pressure on parents and families. Everyone has a different life, so schools should not expect everyone to be the same. Expectations can put more pressure on kids, and some kids take it to heart and head.
Boys need adults to step up: setting boundaries and providing understanding
It is up to families to teach children how to do the right thing, but children need other adults in their lives too. They need people to talk with, and to help them understand the consequences of their actions. Teenagers don’t always want teachers to play that role, sometimes it’s good to have other school staff to talk with, like house leaders, wellbeing teachers, or principals. Teenagers want freedom and privacy, but they also want and need adults to provide boundaries and to be there for them. Adults should not be controlling but they should put some restrictions in place. If there are no consequences for doing the wrong thing and no good influences in kids’ lives, over time things can keep building up. If kids aren’t corrected, they can go down the wrong path. Adults need to step up and take their role seriously.
Every human makes mistakes. Some teenagers go down a bad path, they pick up bad habits, or they do things that will help them fit in. Really good kids sometimes feel they have no choice – and it’s not fair or right. Sometimes kids can turn things around themselves before their behaviour becomes normal for them, but other times kids need help before it wrecks their lives.
You can’t know what someone is carrying
Being yourself in a world that constantly pressures you to be someone else is hard. School, social media, peers, family, money, and adult relationships can make life as a teenage boy difficult to navigate.
Everyone has got a different life. Some people have got it perfect, or some people just have the willpower or mindset to do well. For other kids, it's just hard. You never know what kids may be going through or what's happening to them. You can’t read someone or understand them without knowing them. You shouldn’t make assumptions about someone without talking to them and trying to understand and help. Put them up. Put everyone up. But don't put them down or under more pressure.
This post was moderated by Dr Sophie Yates.